Come home now, son : All dialogue guaranteed verbatim

From little,yellow,different:
Ernie: Hello?
Dad: Your mother tells me you’re not working anymore.
Ernie: That’s correct.
Dad: Have you been looking?
Ernie: No. I’ve slept for 14 hours. The bedsores are the only reason why I’m talking to y—
Dad: WHAT?! YOU SHOULD MOVE HOME!! IF I WAS YOU, I WOULD—
Ernie: I’m kidding.
Dad: You should still move home.
Ernie: No, dad.
Dad: It would be cheaper.
Ernie: No, dad.
Dad: Mother would cook for you and —
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