My (new) toaster is an SUV

The toaster broke this morning. That is, it started toasting the bread(yes, we still eat bread) on only one side.
My husband came home this afternoon with a new toaster that, I swear, is almost as big as an SUV.
The Hamilton Beach 24507 4-Slice IntelliToast Toaster, in all for business black,has four double-wide slots for toasting two bagels at once.
(Why wait? Spencer asked.)
It also has two sets of (amazingly complex) dials, far more than I want to see at 7 am.

As Amazon reviewer Fred Brack says “Each pair of slots has separate controls, so at least two diners’ preferences can be fulfilled simultaneously. Dials offer six browning settings, from light to dark, and a microchip to ensure consistency, while slide-out crumb trays and levers to lift short slices extra high provide convenience.”
Are there toaster fetishists? Is this model the one? (Actually, the customer reviewers on Amazon seem to hate it–“It doesn’t toast on both sides!” they complain.)