I read a recent post on LinkedIn by my TechStars start-up colleague, Eric Marcoullier, that set off buzzers in my head. In the post, Eric looks back at his 30 years of building companies and says he would have done A LOT better if he’d just been able to ask people questions, versus thinking he knew it all.
“Belatedly, I have learned that when I feel the strongest about something, that’s the exact moment I’m probably silently punching myself in the face. In those moments, I try to take a deep breath and a step back and ask, “what does the other person know that I don’t?”
Reading that, I realized that I was pretty much the same way in the earlier part of my career. I liked to brag that I trusted my gut and that served me well, but in truth, I missed out on opportunities because I was insecure, had trouble listening, and wanted to prove I was the smartest person in the room. (And usually, I was not.)
I don’t think I turned that thinking around until I was a lot older, like 50, and I moved from tech into non-profits. The culture was different, there were no rewards for cutting people off and interrupting them to share a “brilliant” idea, and lots of people were afraid to take risks, and suspicious of people who wanted to (like me.) Trying to succeed in that environment meant I had to unlearn so many tech company entrenched behaviors, and it was hard. Finally, someone told me about Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, by Edgar H Schein. When I ordered my copy and started to read it, I almost wept with joy.
It’s a simple book, by an organizational development psychologist-type person who offered actionable guidance on how to just shut the fuck up and listen.
Shein’s idea, which I tried to teach myself to implement, was that asking questions, rather than telling or directing, is more effective in building trust and fostering understanding in professional and personal relationships. The book emphasizes the importance of humility, genuine curiosity, and the power of asking in building effective communication and relationships. It’s a perspective that promotes active listening and valuing the insights and experiences of others.
Some of my favorite quotes from the book:
- “Humble Inquiry is the skill and the art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.”
- “Telling puts the other person down. It implies the other person doesn’t already know and needs to be told (or can’t figure it out). Asking is a more pure form of giving and helping, provided the request is authentic.”
- “What I mean by ‘humble’ is that the person being asked must feel that the questioner believes that the answer is not already known and that the act of asking is based on the belief that the answer will be something that the questioner will find useful or interesting.”
The essence of Schein’s teaching isn’t just about personal growth but also touches upon the foundation of productive teamwork, leadership, and innovation in today’s world. Our society is so interwoven with technology, and as so many interactions have become virtual and remote, the art of humble inquiry becomes even more significant.
With the rise of remote work and digital communication, one might wonder, “How does the humble inquiry translate in a world of Zoom calls and text messages?” It’s essential for us to remember that regardless of the medium, the heart of communication remains the same: understanding and connecting with one another. Whether in a physical meeting room or a virtual chat, the principles of asking, listening, and valuing others’ insights are timeless.
After all, in the end, while expertise and knowledge have their place, it’s the relationships we build, the bridges we create through genuine curiosity, and the mutual respect we foster that make a real difference. As I work on my own ability to listen and ask questions. I’m reminded of the immediate connection that a simple question, asked with humility and curiosity, can help create.
I read a recent post on LinkedIn by my TechStars start-up colleague, Eric Marcoullier, that set off buzzers in my head. In the post, Eric looks back at his 30 years of building companies and says he would have done A LOT better if he’d just been able to ask people questions, versus thinking he knew it all.
“Belatedly, I have learned that when I feel the strongest about something, that’s the exact moment I’m probably silently punching myself in the face. In those moments, I try to take a deep breath and a step back and ask, “what does the other person know that I don’t?”
Reading that, I realized that I was pretty much the same way in the earlier part of my career. I liked to brag that I trusted my gut and that served me well, but in truth, I missed out on opportunities because I was insecure, had trouble listening, and wanted to prove I was the smartest person in the room. (And usually, I was not.)
I don’t think I turned that thinking around until I was a lot older, like 50, and I moved from tech into non-profits. The culture was different, there were no rewards for cutting people off and interrupting them to share a “brilliant” idea, and lots of people were afraid to take risks, and suspicious of people who wanted to (like me.) Trying to succeed in that environment meant I had to unlearn so many tech company entrenched behaviors, and it was hard. Finally, someone told me about Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, by Edgar H Schein. When I ordered my copy and started to read it, I almost wept with joy.
It’s a simple book, by an organizational development psychologist-type person who offered actionable guidance on how to just shut the fuck up and listen.
Shein’s idea, which I tried to teach myself to implement, was that asking questions, rather than telling or directing, is more effective in building trust and fostering understanding in professional and personal relationships. The book emphasizes the importance of humility, genuine curiosity, and the power of asking in building effective communication and relationships. It’s a perspective that promotes active listening and valuing the insights and experiences of others.
Some of my favorite quotes from the book:
- “Humble Inquiry is the skill and the art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.”
- “Telling puts the other person down. It implies the other person doesn’t already know and needs to be told (or can’t figure it out). Asking is a more pure form of giving and helping, provided the request is authentic.”
- “What I mean by ‘humble’ is that the person being asked must feel that the questioner believes that the answer is not already known and that the act of asking is based on the belief that the answer will be something that the questioner will find useful or interesting.”
The essence of Schein’s teaching isn’t just about personal growth but also touches upon the foundation of productive teamwork, leadership, and innovation in today’s world. Our society is so interwoven with technology, and as so many interactions have become virtual and remote, the art of humble inquiry becomes even more significant.
With the rise of remote work and digital communication, one might wonder, “How does the humble inquiry translate in a world of Zoom calls and text messages?” It’s essential for us to remember that regardless of the medium, the heart of communication remains the same: understanding and connecting with one another. Whether in a physical meeting room or a virtual chat, the principles of asking, listening, and valuing others’ insights are timeless.
After all, in the end, while expertise and knowledge have their place, it’s the relationships we build, the bridges we create through genuine curiosity, and the mutual respect we foster that make a real difference. As I work on my own ability to listen and ask questions. I’m reminded of the immediate connection that a simple question, asked with humility and curiosity, can help create.